Gay Pride Vs. The Right To Privacy

In the past, I have been a member of several gay message boards where I have shared my views on a wide variety of gay issues.  This article is about a question that I have posed for discussion on most of them.  It is a subject that I have been interested in for some time, and I have always been surprised and fascinated to see how others react to my point of view about it.  Surprisingly, I have received only a small amount of positive feedback on these statements.  For the most part, the reaction has been decidedly negative.  I have to admit that I was more than a little shocked by that fact.

Before I ask the question, I always like to take a moment to make myself clear and avoid any misunderstandings.  I like to let people know up front that I am not trying to be judgmental; it is not my intention to insult anyone, so I hope they will not take offense if they find my remarks to be a bit mean.  I ask the question simply because I want to hear other people's point of view on the matter, and I want to find out if they feel that my opinions about it are misguided in any way.  Then, with the disclaimer out of the way, I usually take a deep breath, and dive in.

So, what is the question?  Well, I'm glad you asked!  The topic: pride vs. privacy.  The question: If someone prefers to maintain their privacy and not discuss the details of their private life with others, should they be accused of being ashamed of it, or trying to hide it?

I pose the question because this has happened to me on occasion.  For years now, some have accused me of being ashamed of the fact that I am gay because I choose not to discuss the details of my private life with others, and I only tell people that I am gay on a “need to know” basis.  It is my view that just because a person chooses to keep their private life to themselves, that does not mean that they are ashamed of it in any way.  It simply means that they do not wish for the entire world to be aware of their personal business, that's all.  I have always felt that what I do behind closed doors is none of anyone else's concern; the only two people who need to know what goes on in my private life are me and the person with whom I happen to be sharing it...no one else.

Maybe this is just me, but it seems like a certain segment of the gay community (and by that I mean some gay people not all of them...I would never make a huge generalization like that) tend to take the notion of being “out” a bit too far.  In some cases, it appears that every single thing in their entire lives revolves around their sexuality.  For some, it almost seems that if they didn't define themselves as gay, they would have no idea who they really were as a human being.  They give the impression that their sexuality is the sole component of their entire identity.  Now, I understand that we are talking about only a very small segment of the gay community as a whole; the majority of people are usually much more private, I find.  However, I am still quite bothered by this way of thinking for a number of reasons.

I mean, I am not the least bit ashamed of who I am.  I am very proud to be a gay man.  I would never deliberately try to hide that fact from anyone, nor would I lie about it if I were directly asked.  But honestly, I do not volunteer the information when it is not necessary.  I have never felt the need to broadcast my sexuality to the world as if I were on the six o'clock news.  To me, a person's sexuality is a deeply private thing, and only they should decide how it is expressed.  As far as I am concerned, no one else has the right to tell me that I am ashamed of being gay just because I choose to express my sexuality in a more subtle way than they do.  As I said, I tell others on a “need to know” basis.

My reasons for feeling this way are quite simple, actually.  Although I am very proud to be a gay man, being gay is only one part of who I am.  I am also a lot more than just a gay man; I am someone's son, someone's brother, someone's uncle, and someone's friend.  I am a kind, loving, and intelligent human being with a wide range of interests.  I am a published author. I'm a songwriter and a musician who plays several instruments.  I am a trained actor who performs in little theater.  I am all of these things, and I refuse to let my entire identity be defined by something that is only one tiny piece of who I am as a whole person; that is so limiting!

I don't judge anyone else if they choose to be open and very vocal about their sexuality, but I have often felt that some people have passed judgment on me for being less vocal about this very private matter.  They somehow seem to feel that I am betraying the rest of the gay community, or that I am being less than honest by remaining silent on personal matters when it is not necessary to bring them up!  So, am I just being overly sensitive about the issue, or what?

Also, there is something else that I have noticed about this "loud and proud" segment of the gay community.  Those who think this way seem to have an unhealthy obsession with sex for the most part.  Of course this is not always true in every case, but it has been true in most of my experiences.  Others may feel differently and that's OK.

I have made some gay friends who are like this.  They never seem to get sex off their minds for a single second.  Maybe it only seems that way because the subject of sex tends to completely dominate every conversation that I have with them...I don't know.  But in any case, I would love to hold an intelligent conversation with them just once without having to discuss who is doing what with whom in the bedroom.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against sex!  I am definitely willing to make a time and place in my life for sex; you can be sure of that.  And I do believe that sex is a very important part of a relationship, but it should not be the sole basis of the relationship; there are other things in life as well.  Besides, no one else really cares or wants to know about someone else's sex life...at least that's the way I see it

I have yet to understand why the majority of people react so negatively to the things that I have said here.  I must confess that these reactions have really caused me to question myself at times.  Are my views offensive?  Am I somehow being disloyal to my fellow members of the gay community?  According to the feedback that I have received from others, the general consensus seems to be that I am.  It makes no sense to me, but as soon as I figure it all out, I will let you know.

Oh, and by the way, I'd just like to end with a funny little side note.  As I was finishing up this article, I had a thought that I found amusing.  I have sat here for about the last 1,200 words going on and on about keeping my private life to myself, and yet here I am writing articles about it to be published on the Internet!  How's that for irony?