Dealing With The Loss Of A Dear Friend

The untimely passing of a good friend is never an easy thing.  Until it happens to us, we usually don't realize what a profound effect it will have on our lives.  It is always a great shock.  Not only that, it's also an event that tends to put a lot of things into perspective in very short order.  It is only when this kind of loss occurs that we are truly shown how fragile life can be...how quickly it can be lost.  Our daily lives often get so busy, and we encounter so many distractions, that we sometimes forget how vitally important it is to appreciate the little things that we are given.  I have always wondered why it is that it takes a sad occasion like this to remind us that we must savor each experience and enjoy every single moment of this life as if it were our last.

I had a jarring reminder of these truths when I lost my dear friend Ginger at the age of sixty-one.  Her death came on January 6, 2008, after a long and difficult illness.  Although everyone around her knew that it was inevitable given the circumstances, we were still completely devastated and unprepared for her loss.  As most people usually do in these cases, we were clinging blindly to the hope...no matter how delusional it may have been...that she would somehow beat the odds and make some kind of miraculous recovery; if there ever was anyone who could have beaten the odds, it would most certainly have been her!  Right up until the moment that she drew her final breath, all of her friends held that belief wholeheartedly; and I'd have to say that it was Ginger herself who inspired that faith, and her magnificent attitude that continued to fuel it each and every day.

When I learned of Ginger's passing three days after it happened, I think I was the most surprised of all.  The idea that I was never going to see her again was just so surreal to me, which I guess is a normal reaction to such news.  My brain just couldn't seem to wrap itself around the information.  I had, after all, spoken to her on the phone just a few short days earlier, and she hadn't seemed any better or worse than usual.  In other words, she seemed like the same old Ginger.  I knew that she was ill, but there was nothing in her tone or demeanor to suggest that her condition had taken such a dramatic turn for the worse.  In fact, it had seemed to me that she was a bit more energetic than usual, but maybe it only seemed that way to me because I had not been around her on a daily basis.

It took a while for the news to sink in.  As it did, I slowly retreated into my memories.  I had saved many keepsakes through the years...every photo, letter, e-mail, or gift that we had ever exchanged, and I spent the entire night going through each and every single saved item.  Each one held a precious moment.  I remembered her outrageous sense of humor, and every one of the many laughs we shared.  In fact, I'd have to say that in the twenty years I knew her, Ginger probably made me laugh more than any other friend I've had.  She had a habit of being relentless when it came to humor; once she had you laughing, she'd continue to repeat the joke, adding to it as she went.  She'd make it more exaggerated and outrageous with each telling, ensuring that her audience would be breathless and in stitches! 

I remembered the hours upon hours we spent enjoying long, satisfying heart-to-heart talks.  She was one of those rare people who had a way of putting you at ease.  You could talk to her about absolutely anything without fear of being judged.  Her advice was always helpful to me.  The wisdom and insight that she had to offer could always be depended upon to provide the answer to any problem I may have brought to her.  I remembered sharing my creative work with her; she was always my best critic...not to mention my strongest supporter.  She shared my taste in music, and my love for all things creative; she always encouraged and inspired me.  She was forever telling me that I should always follow my dreams no matter what.  In short, I remembered every one of a million ineffable little qualities that made her so beloved to all who knew her.

I could probably write volumes trying to relate every scene that came flooding back to me as I sat looking at old photos and rereading old letters.  There they were...twenty years worth of memories sitting before me.  There were so many things I had forgotten about, and I couldn't help but smile as I was reminded of them.  In an odd way, it was sort of like watching home movies or something.  I was reliving every crazy, wonderful moment all over again.  I saw the strange looks and surprised reactions that we often got whenever we were in public, and shared a private joke that no one else got.  I guess most people just didn't share our love for weird, ironic humor and over-the-top sarcasm.  Like the time that we took Ginger's car to her mechanic to be serviced.  I still laugh out loud at the memory of this day!  Here's what happened...

Ginger had been living in Oklahoma helping to care for her sister who was ill with cancer.  She was planning a trip back there after her visit home, and wanted to make sure that her car was in shape for the trip.  While waiting for the repairs to be completed, we were inside talking with her friends, and I excused myself to go to the restroom.  As I was making my way toward it, I took a tumble, and Ginger quickly ran to my assistance.  When she reached down and attempted to help me up off the floor, I waved her hand away and sarcastically shouted: “Oh, get away from me, you dried up old bat!”  This was something that I said to her in jest quite often, so we both burst into fits of hysterical laughter, secure in the knowledge that this insult was meant affectionately.  We were laughing so hard that it took me nearly ten minutes to get myself up off the floor.  Her friends, however, were less amused; their mouths dropped open and their eyes grew wide with shock!  They were completely appalled that I could react so rudely to this attempt at kindness, but their indignant reaction only made us laugh harder!

The truly funny part about situations like these is that they were never planned.  They just seem to happen to us naturally; we didn't even have to try hard to end up in these predicaments!  In fact, we got caught in a similar misunderstanding about two weeks later.  We were returning from our trip to Oklahoma.  We were about halfway home, when Ginger decided that we'd better stop for gas.  So we stopped at the next available opportunity, and I went in to use the restroom, and get us some sodas and snacks since we had about four more hours to drive.  Just as I was approaching the counter, Ginger came in to pay for the gas, and as I had done many times in the past, I said to her in a very annoyed tone: “Why are you following me? What did I ever do to you? For the love of God, will you just leave me alone!”  As she usually did, Ginger appeared to be shocked, and feigned complete innocence.  We must have been very convincing, because the poor cashier had a “deer in the headlights” reaction!  She was actually about to call the police when we let her off the hook!  Fortunately, she took the whole thing like a good sport, while Ginger and I got back in the car laughing our heads off!  I'm sure that everyone else around us probably thought that we were crazy that day, but to us it was completely hilarious!

Moments like these were typical of Ginger's brand of humor!  In fact, her sense of humor was such that she didn't even mind making herself the butt of the joke.  She loved to poke fun at herself in a good-natured way.  She loved making people laugh, even if it was at her expense.  She never hesitated to share even her most embarrassing moments if she thought it would make someone laugh!  Even a simple night out with Ginger could easily become a memorable event, as in the case of the casino incident, which I described in my essay entitled “Learning To Cope With Terminal Illness,” which I wrote about the aforementioned trip to Oklahoma that I took with Ginger in 1996.  You'll have to refer to that piece for the full story of this evening, but let's just say that she had a tiny fixation with parking spaces!

That is the nature of the friendship that we had; no matter what happened or what was said, we knew that we would always be there for each other, and we were!  Ginger was truly one of a kind, and I considered her one of the dearest friends that I've ever had in my life.  I sincerely hope that everyone on this planet gets the chance to experience a friendship as wonderful and fulfilling as the one that I had with her.  It enriched my life in more ways than I could ever begin to express!

Although I miss Ginger more than words could ever say, I will not weep for the loss.  To this day, I have not shed a single tear, because that is the way that she would have wanted it.  Ginger was all about spreading joy and making people laugh.  I know that she wouldn't want anyone to have tears in their eyes when they were remembering her.  Besides, I still have all of these reminders, and the memories that they hold.  That will be enough to sustain me until our paths cross again!