Having written many articles describing both the difficulties as well as the advantages of coming out of the closet, I guess I should not be surprised that I have received many e-mails asking me how to navigate the process. The fact that I have received so many letters in my inbox has shown me that there is a need for this information, but I also realize that one must be careful when giving advice about this very personal subject, because things can get tricky. You always want anyone who may take your advice to have the best experience possible, but since it is impossible to predict what anyone's reaction will be when a friend or loved one comes out, you are never assured of getting that result.
You have to understand that coming out is a deeply personal experience that is different for each and every person who does it. To be honest, I don't think there really is a "right" way or a "wrong" way to do it. I think each person must do it in whatever way feels the most comfortable for them. However, I must tell you that coming out is something that requires a great deal of forethought and preparation; it is not something that should be done in haste. I think it is wise to first assess your personal situation and determine what you will gain by coming out. Will the positives outweigh the negatives? In my personal opinion, I think anyone who is in a good position to come out should do so; being out and open about one's sexuality can offer some wonderful advantages...but again, the decision to make that leap depends on your particular situation. For some people, coming out is simply not always a practical option. I can offer some general ideas that may be helpful in making that decision, but each person may have to make some adjustments to these ideas to fit their own situation.
I think the first step is to come out to yourself. Make sure that you have come to terms with your sexuality, and that you have resolved all of your own personal issues about it before you tell others. Also, you need to make sure that you are mentally and emotionally prepared to handle whatever the reaction may be. I would adopt a “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” stance. This way, you are ready for even the most negative outcome! This will give you the much needed confidence to do the deed without losing your nerve. It will also help you to avoid an angry or defensive tone, which will cause negative emotion. In a small way, it may even help your loved ones accept the news more easily. One of the biggest fears that family members often have when a loved one comes out is that being gay will make their lives painful and difficult; they hate thinking about all the struggles you are likely to face as a gay person. For this reason, it is wise to reach a place of peace within yourself about being gay. If they can see that you have embraced who you are, and that you truly feel good about it, that visible confidence will help to ease that fear.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to rush yourself. Don't put a time limit or a deadline on how long it takes to come out. Doing this will only add more pressure to an already difficult task, and that is never wise. You should always do this at your own pace; if that means that you have to make the journey in baby steps, then so be it. Begin by telling those that you feel are the most likely to be accepting and supportive; usually, most people start with friends before family members. Your true friends will be touched that you chose to share this very personal news with them, and every positive response that you get will bolster your confidence. Sometimes, however, friends may be shocked at first and require an adjustment period; this is a normal reaction, so don't let it scare you. Be patient and give them ample time to process the information. Even if their reaction seems negative at first, they will usually come around when they get over the shock; if they don't, then they were never really your friends to begin with, and you are better off to send them packing!
When you tell your friends, it is also wise to ask them to give you the courtesy of keeping the news to themselves. It is your job, and yours alone to decide how, when, and to whom you come out. This is never something that your friends and family should hear about from a third party. You should be the one to deliver such personal news; if they hear it from someone else, your loved ones are likely to be very hurt and resentful of the fact that you didn't tell them yourself.
As I said earlier, when you're in the process of coming out, every situation is different, and in every case there are many factors to consider. One example of a unique situation in which in may be better to wait a while before you come out is if you are a teenager who still lives with his or her parents, and you are dependent on them for financial and other forms of support. In a case like this, it is sometimes wise to put off coming out until you are in a position to stand on your own two feet and be responsible for yourself. Your parents may be accepting and support you, but you are not always assured of that. Therefore, coming out may not be worth the risk at this time.
Whatever your situation, as long as you are comfortable in the way you choose to go about it, and you exercise a bit of discretion, you can diminish the anxiety that often accompanies the process of coming out. Most importantly, love yourself throughout the entire process, and do your best not to allow yourself to absorb any of the negativity that may be thrown at you! If you do, you are more likely to have a pleasant coming out experience!
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