In my last article on acceptance, I discussed my opinions on the subject of the gay community being accepted by the rest of society. For this one, I'd like to examine the issue of acceptance from another angle. Most people assume that the acceptance of others is the greatest challenge that gay individuals face in coming to terms with their orientation. Often, however, this is not the case.
While gaining the acceptance of others is definitely a challenge, for most of us, it is the issue of self-acceptance that poses the greatest difficulty during the coming out process. For many gay people, the inner conflict which arises from the realization that one is homosexual can be overwhelming. Trying to find peace with a gay identity in one's own Spirit is, in my opinion, far more difficult than dealing with the prejudice of others...or at least it was for me.
My coming out experience began when I was thirty-one. I will never forget the first time that I finally acknowledged to myself that I was gay. The sheer terror of that moment was completely paralyzing. Having grown up in an entirely straight environment, I had never associated with gay people on a regular basis. Of course, I knew a few gay acquaintances whom I had met only a time or two, but there were none that I had maintained a close friendship with. The straight world and their school of thought were all that I had ever known.
Because of this, I had inadvertently picked up many of the negative misconceptions held by straight society, and I was terrified that being gay would completely ruin my life. I had grown up all my life hearing that most people thought that being gay was disgusting and sinful, and gay people were abnormal and defective. I feared that people I had known for years would suddenly hate me; they would see me as a pervert. I feared that when everyone learned the truth about me, I wouldn't have a single friend left in the world.
I knew that my personality, my morals and values hadn't changed; I was the same person that I have always been...at least, in every way but one. Yet I somehow felt different, and I certainly knew that some would view me differently. I felt as if my entire identity had just shattered, since the person that I thought I was had now changed radically because of this single revelation. I was completely unprepared to deal with this new part of me that had come to the surface; it scared me to death.
I was also extremely shocked to realize that I had spent years in denial. I realized that deep in my soul, some part of me had always known that I was gay, but I had absolutely refused to admit it to myself. I had used every excuse I could to keep from thinking about the subject. I told myself that the reason why I never dated was because I had too many other things that I wanted to do with my life, and I had no time for a relationship. I feigned interest in girls when around my straight friends, never really understanding why it somehow felt like a lie. In other words, I told myself all of the things that a gay man who is in denial typically does.
But the admission was the easy part. The challenge truly began after I acknowledged my sexuality. That is when I had to start retraining my mind. Everything that I had ever learned or known about homosexuality was negative, and at that time, I had no idea how to even begin to reconcile my newfound identity with the beliefs that I had come to hold. Believe me, trying to change long-held beliefs that have become an ingrained part of your very being is nothing short of a hellish nightmare. The resulting conflict is impossible for some to deal with. The trauma of that experience can be devastating. It can lead to severe bouts of depression, intense feelings of self-loathing, and even suicide in extreme cases.
It has now been more than ten years since I accepted who I am, and I am glad to say that I have made peace with the fact that I am gay. I have even learned to see it as a blessing, rather than the curse that I once thought it to be. None of the things that I had feared came to pass. I'm proud to say that my family and friends realized that being gay does not change a person's character. They knew that I was the same person, and continued to treat me just the same as they always had. They all said that they wanted me to be happy, and as long as I was, then it was fine with them. I was so surprised by everyone's reaction; the response made me wish I had done it years earlier. Not a day has gone by that I don't give thanks for the way that everything turned out!
Since then, I have had a lot of time to observe and study the issue of self-acceptance. When I was going through the process, I felt so alone. Even though I knew it wasn't true, I felt as if I were the only person in the world who ever had to go through this awful struggle; it was a horrible time. I have since come to find that my experiences are not much different from those of most gay men. In all of my observations, though, one thing always fascinates me. I have noticed that some people don't seem to have to struggle with the notion of being gay at all. They simply acknowledge the truth of their orientation, and appear to move on with their lives completely unaffected by the revelation; it isn't even an issue to them. Then there are others who must go through hell learning to accept themselves. This has always been a mystery to me.
It seems that a majority of people tend to fall into the latter category; I certainly did, as my statements above will attest. I further note that this problem seems to be much more severe for gay males than it is for lesbians, which for me, was difficult to understand. One would think that disdain for homosexual behavior would apply equally to both sexes, but for some unknown reason, society seems to find the concept of two women being together to be less appalling than two men...even if only slightly so. So why do some seem to make peace with this so easily, while others are so badly traumatized? Although, this question has given rise to much debate, no one seems to be able to arrive at any kind of conclusive answer. I am no different; I can offer my own insights and opinions, but nothing more.
People often cite conditions such as the family environment and the influence of one's religious background as the main cause of these conflicts. While it is absolutely true that these are contributing factors, I think there is much more to it. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that society refuses to let go of the rigidly defined gender roles that have been in place for generations. Both men and women are systematically taught from birth to reject individuality and conform to what the majority finds acceptable. Anyone who doesn't conform is shunned, and made to feel inferior or abnormal. Often, they may even be threatened with physical violence.
Men are programmed from a very young age with a lot of misleading ideas about what it means to be male; we are taught to detach from our emotions. Men are to be masculine and strong; they are to be the protectors and the providers. Any sign of sensitivity or vulnerability is considered a weakness. Having affection toward one another and showing it openly are expressly forbidden. Men who express these aspects of their personality are usually ridiculed and ostracized. Admitting your attraction to other members of the same sex is considered the ultimate expression of these unacceptable traits. Most of male society sees this as an emasculating betrayal of manhood, and they are very threatened by it.
One would think that in this day and age, we would have finally rid ourselves of these obviously defective ideas, but apparently not. Because of these attitudes, gay men feel tremendously ashamed when they first realize the truth of their attraction to the same sex. They are often humiliated by their inability to conform to what is considered acceptable. It is my opinion that coming out will remain a traumatic experience for most, as long as these false and misleading ideas about acceptable male behavior remain in place; it's unfortunate, but true!
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