I
was having a very interesting conversation with a good friend of mine
recently, and he inspired me to write about this topic. During our
discussion, we turned to the subject of how jealousy and insecurity
effects a relationship. At first we were just discussing
relationships in general, but then he asked me if I thought that
these issues were a bigger problem in gay relationships than they
were in straight ones. Since these two issues are usually the cause
of major relationship traumas, I figured this would be the perfect
place to examine this. So here are my thoughts.
When
my friend first asked the question, I was sort of at a loss. I didn't
really know if I could answer honestly. Although I have been thinking
a lot about it for the last couple of days, I have to say that I am
still no closer to reaching a definite answer. I have to admit that
to my mind, it does often seem
as if jealousy and insecurity are more of a problem in gay
relationships. In my view, we do seem to be a little more possessive
in relationships than our straight counterparts. Yet I cannot quite
bring myself to state that as an absolute truth. After all, just
because something appears
to be a certain way, that does not necessarily make it true; in which
case, it would be unfair to jump to that conclusion. And even if it
is true in some
cases, it certainly cannot be true in all
cases.
But
I think that the bottom line is that jealousy and insecurity are just
human traits, and in the end, the issue of gay or straight does not
even need to enter into the discussion. Let's face it, there are some
people who are prone to jealousy and insecurity, and there are some
who are not. That is true of both gay and straight people alike.
Ultimately,
I think it would be of much greater value to examine the effect that
these feelings have on a relationship. This issue can be viewed from
two angles: from the view of the jealous party, as well as from the
view of the person at whom the jealousy is directed. And I will try
to examine both points of view here. But no matter how you look at
it, the effect of jealousy on a relationship is always negative;
nothing good has ever come from it. It is always destructive to
everyone involved in the situation. Trust is an absolute must
in any relationship; once that trust is destroyed, it is only a
matter of time before the whole relationship falls flat on its face,
so to speak. That's the only thing that I can say with
any degree of certainty. That being said, let's examine both sides.
If
you are the jealous party, then you have some decisions to make. First, you have to figure out if your jealousy is warranted or not. This is often where the problem begins. When we get jealous, we don't
think very clearly, and we often wind up jumping to conclusions. It
is unfair to accuse someone of being unfaithful based on a mere
suspicion, because you could turn out to be wrong. I think you must
have some sort of concrete proof before you
would even consider accusing your partner of wrong
behavior. If you accuse your partner unjustly, then the trust between
you is destroyed for no good reason.
Sometimes,
however, we come to find out in the end that our jealousy is
warranted and our suspicions are true. If this is the case, then you
have two choices: you can either try to work it out and trust that it
won't happen again, or you can end the relationship and move on. But
I think that no matter which of these solutions you choose, you must
do it completely. If you decide to try and mend the relationship, you
must devote yourself fully to doing so. If your partner loves you,
then they will make the same effort. If they don't make the same
effort, then they never really loved you as much as they claimed to;
in which case, you are better off without them anyway.
On
the other hand, if you decide to end the relationship, then do it
completely. No more discussions, excuses, phone calls, e-mails, or any other kind
of contact! Make a clean break. Heaven knows that breaking up is already
difficult and painful enough as it is, so for God's sake, do not
prolong the drama!
OK,
now lets take a look at the other side of the issue. If you are the
person at whom the jealousy is being directed, then you need to stop
and take a good look at your own behavior. If you know without any
doubt that you have done nothing to warrant the
jealousy that your partner is showing toward you, then you need to
decide if you want to stay with a person who is insecure, and always
suspicious of every move you make. Personally, I would not stay, but
that's just me! In my view a person should not even consider entering
into a relationship unless they are first happy and satisfied with
the person that they are themselves, and they know what they want out
of their lives. Let's face it, if you are unhappy and insecure with
yourself, you don't have a prayer of ever making someone else happy
in a relationship. You cannot expect your partner to "complete
you." That is not only unfair to them, but it is an unrealistic
expectation, and one that is impossible for anyone to fulfill.
Many
may disagree with me on the following point, but I have found that
most of the time when people are insecure in relationships, the
issues causing their insecurities often have little or nothing to do
with their partner. They can often stem from things that happened
years before they even met their partners. The only way that they can
become secure in who they are is to attack those issues at their
source. You need to resolve all of your own issues about self
completely before you even think of entering into something as
complicated as a relationship, because relationships are hard enough
to handle without bringing all that extra baggage into them. That may
seem unrealistic to most, and maybe it is, but it's not untrue.
However,
if you have done something to warrant the jealousy that is being
directed at you, then for God's sake be an adult. Have enough guts to
stand up and be honest with your partner about it and accept the
consequences for your actions. If you ever had any real and true
feelings for your partner in the first place, then that is the only
fair and honorable thing you can do. Yes, it will probably destroy
your relationship, but after it was over, at least you would be able
to look in the mirror and know that you behaved like human being
instead of a louse. And with any luck, maybe you will learn from the
mistake, and not repeat it in future relationships!
Well...there's
my two cents on the subject for whatever it's worth.
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