The
idea for this article came to me some time ago during a conversation
by instant message with one of my Internet friends. I found the
conversation so interesting that I wanted to write about it but I was
hesitant, because it was a very sensitive topic, and opinions about
it are likely to be polarized at best. I spent the days that followed
thinking about our talk; I just couldn't get it out of my mind, so I
decided for better or worse to sit down and express all of my
thoughts on the matter.
What
were we discussing, you ask? Well, I'm still not sure just how we got
started on the subject, but we got into this great debate on the use
of the word fag, and other such insulting terms. Like me, this friend
was also gay, and he was saying that he wished people would realize
how hurtful that word is, and how angry it always made him to hear it
used. He also remarked about how surprised he was that some of his
other gay friends did not seem to mind its use, and sometimes even
referred to themselves as fags.
I
told him that the way I saw it, there were two ways to look at the
situation. First, I let him know that his point of view was
definitely not wrong; there are many who agree with
him. Many gay people are horribly insulted by the word
fag, and other such slurs...even when they are used in jest. But on
the other side of the coin, there are a lot of people out there, (of
which I am one), who believe that there are some instances when those
words can have a positive connotation; it all depends on the context
in which they are being used. Some people feel that those words are
only insulting when it is obvious that they are being
used in a manner that is meant to be deliberately hateful and
hurtful.
You see, words in and of themselves are never good or bad;
it is the manner in which a person uses them that makes them either
good or bad. And just because certain words have come to be
associated with negativity does not mean that they can't have any
kind of positive meaning. These words only become insulting when it
is clear that the users intention is maliciously hateful; otherwise,
they are only words...and words can only have as much power as we
allow them to have in our lives.
Allow
me to illustrate my point with examples from my own life. When I
first realized that I was gay, the whole idea of it made me very
uncomfortable; I was very much in denial about it. I did a lot of
reading and research trying to understand my feelings, and learn
about life as a gay person. I even did counseling for a brief time,
and one of the suggestions that they made to help me get comfortable
with who I was is to have a sense of humor about the whole thing...to
laugh about it as much as possible and poke fun at yourself in a
good-natured way. So that's what I did. I joked about it and often
referred to myself as a fag in a humorous way. Doing that helped me
in such a profound way. Without it, I am not sure I would have been
able to become comfortable with my sexuality at all...and I am
absolutely certain that I would not have been able to do it as
quickly as I did.
I
have a very good friend who was there for me through much of this
difficulty. We shared so much during that time, and are so close
because of it. She is now known affectionately as my favorite
fag-hag, and I am her favorite fag! When we refer to each other in
this way, there is nothing hateful or negative or malicious about it
at all. The terms are used very playfully and affectionately. It is a
very positive vibe between us. In fact, many of my straight friends
use the word fag in reference to me...always with the same affection,
of course.
So
to me, use of the word fag is not always necessarily a negative
thing. As I said earlier, it is only negative when the word is being
used with hateful intentions. And you can always tell
the difference between the hateful use of the word and the type of
use that I have described here. I think that the key to making sure
that you don't offend anyone is simply to always use the word with
extreme caution and care. You have to use your own judgment on a
case-by-case basis. In each case, you must know the people around you
very well, and just be sensitive to their feelings about its use. If
they hate it and are offended by it, don't use it around them;
however, if they do not mind it being used in a playful way as I have
described here, then I feel it is okay to do so.
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