Imagine that your son or daughter comes home to you one day and says that they have something to talk to you about. They seem more nervous than you have ever seen them before; flustered and stammering, it is obvious that something has them in agony. Concerned, you patiently try to reassure them that no matter what their news is, you'll understand. Then, after what feels like an eternity, they finally drop the bomb: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay!"
For most parents, this moment can feel like a nightmare. Since every family and every coming out experience is different, there really isn't a right or wrong way to handle this situation when it happens. Although this moment has the potential to become a disaster of monumental proportions, tragedy can be avoided if both parents and their gay children will follow a few simple tips. First of all, don't panic! Pause for a second or two, take a few deep breaths, and just try to relax. Parents have a tendency to immediately go into panic mode, which causes them to overreact. While this is understandable, it is important to remember that the negative reactions that most parents automatically jump to in these situations are simply knee-jerk reactions based in fear of what they do not understand. Such panic can only cause misunderstanding and miscommunication. I can tell you from personal experience that your reaction to the news will have a profound effect on your child's coming out process. Negative reactions that are stemming solely from the emotion of the moment must be kept in check, otherwise they can be far more damaging than you could ever begin to fathom. It is quite possible that such a reaction could cause an irreparable rift in your relationship with your child.
Likewise, I should also caution the gay child here. When preparing to come out to our parents, our own fears can often times lead us to be unfair to them too, because we underestimate their capacity to understand; we have a tendency to automatically assume that our parents will reject us. Operating under the influence of this fear can be a mistake on your part. While some parents notice early warning signs or clues that their child is gay, and they therefore begin preparing themselves for the day that their child will come out, most parents do not have the luxury of such prior recognition. You need to realize that your parents are most likely going to be blindsided by this news, and they are going to need a “period of adjustment.” Although their initial reaction may be negative, you need to be patient and give them time. More often than not, they will eventually come around once the shock has worn off, and they are fully able to digest and deal with the news.
As a parent, there is no denying that the experience of having your child come out as gay or lesbian can be very unsettling, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. The important thing that parents need to remember is that their child is still the exact same human being that he or she was before you knew about their sexual orientation. This is still the same little boy or girl that you have loved and been proud of for years. They still have the same values, the same morals, and the same likes and dislikes. Being gay does not change any of these things. The only difference is that they are (and always have been) attracted to members of the same gender. If you can realize that nothing else about them has changed, then your job is simple; all you have to do is continue to love your child, and treat them just the same as you always have. The more positive support you can show them, the faster they will be able to resolve their own issues about their sexuality and get back to being productive and happy individuals.
I realize that it can be very difficult to remain calm and not get swept up in your own emotions while having this discussion, but again, that is the best piece of advice that can be offered to the parent in this situation. Don't get flustered and start grilling your child with a million questions about how or why this happened, or how they could shame the family this way. Those are answers that they will not be able to give you! Most gay folks have no clue what caused them to be gay, they only know that they are; even the best scientific minds in the world have not been able to pinpoint one particular cause for homosexuality.
Another thing that a parent needs to understand is that it has taken a very long time for your child to get to the point where they are comfortable enough to be sitting in front of you saying these words. Believe me, the prospect of telling you that they are gay is definitely not something that they have undertaken lightly. In most cases, it is something that they have agonized over for months...or sometimes even years! You should try to keep that in mind when you hear the news. Knowing that it has taken them that long to sit before you now, the best thing that you can do is give them the courtesy of patience. Let them get this off their chest without interruption. You will find that once they have said everything that they wanted to, your child will be more than happy to answer your questions. However, you should try be reasonable with your questions. Realize that they will do their best to answer you, but there are some answers that they simply may not be able to give, because they don't know those answers themselves.
Be supportive, but don't go overboard about it. Often, it is enough to simply listen without judgment. Also, it is a good idea to give your child some space; respect their privacy. Let them know that you are there for them, and that you are willing to listen if they want to talk about anything, but don't push them to do so. Make sure that they know you love and support them, and leave it at that. Most importantly, don't share the information that your child is gay with anyone else unless they have specifically told you that it is OK to do so. Otherwise, they will share the knowledge with others in their own time. If you have concerns or you feel the need to talk to someone about these issues, there are a number of organizations that offer information and support to the parents of gay children. P-Flag is probably the best option here. Parents will get the needed support, as well as the chance to share experiences with others who are in the same situation. It really helps to know that you aren't alone in this!
Lastly, don't beat yourself up. Parents often feel that having a LGBT child reflects poorly on them. They sometimes feel that they have failed as parents, and drive themselves crazy trying to figure out where they "went wrong." It's important that you realize that you did nothing wrong. You did not make your child gay or lesbian; it's simply part of who they are. If it is not handled carefully, this guilt on the part of parents is another thing that can have a disastrous effect on the relationship with their child. This guilt is often the motivating factor that moves a parent to try and "change" their child to become straight. This attitude is often devastating to the child; it can cause a sense of self-loathing to develop that can lead to severe depression and even suicide. Before this happens, it is imperative that you stop, and take the time to realize that you have raised a child that is thoughtful and self-aware, and that your relationship with them is so secure and honest that they are willing to place the supreme trust in you: they are willing to open up and share this very personal news with you. The fact that this is taking place is actually a testament to the wonderful job of parenting that you have done!
No comments:
Post a Comment